Light Up Ahead.

This blog is dedicated to a certain someone.She's that one person that keeps me
going,when everyone else gives up on me and for that..and everything else,i love her.Really,she is the only person keeping me going.She's the awesomest person ever.
Most of the time,I mess up and have her paying a price for it and I'm generally rude to her and I owe her several apologies,long overdue.

I'm so sorry,for every stupid thing I've done,when all you were doing was trying to help.

You're pretty much all I have.

I love you.

"The times that I feel nothing
You bring enough
So I can live for something
You lift me up"

Just Another Ordinary Day.

Life is weird.Ironic too.All my posts start out this way.Anyway,moving on,one of my grandmoms died yesterday..a pity..I didn't really get to know her.
I once read a quote on someone special's blog(who by the way,rocks my socks off on a daily basis..<3)..It was "Be nice to everyone you meet,they might be going through something you know nothing about.".It's weird how quotes can sound so far out and unrealistic and yet so relatable.
My mind draws a blank everytime i try to blog.So many things.Such a blank mind.
I don't like going to school,but like always,I have to go.The year has hardly begun and I want it to end already but then again,I don't want it to end.*sigh*

"Dry your tears because I'm always here when you're tired of running. I'm all the strength that you need."

The Randomization Of The Torture At School.

School is a weird place.Weird,weird place it is.The first two weeks of full day school were insane.I can't take this for another year.Too much.Too much.I have an insane hindi teacher who i will not name here incase some unforgivably stupid or random person decides to google his name.Well,all of my teachers are insane but he's a whole category of insanity on his own.He'll embarass you in front of everyone.Everyone.His jokes suck,why bother with them?But NO!..he has to make them and make everyone laugh out of formality,not amusement and make you/the person being bullied feel insanely embarassed.Then there's the quite literally deranged maths teacher and the other nearly psychotic others.

Then there's the sadistic classmates stealing my water bottles and books and tying my backpack to a chair.Everybody's got a friend in class.I'm all by myself.Ah,happy happy days.The freak dude whose name i shall not say on this indiscreet website came back from the states for his vacation.more joy.My life sucks.

Lily.

It's been four years,hard to believe,four years seems so distant now.

The sterile hospital walls looked cold and dank.We sat in the waiting room as they got my aunt admitted into the hospital ward for the fateful event that was about to follow the next morning.

The next morning came quickly,as we sat outside the operating hall with bated breaths,the operation scheduled to begin at 8 am and finish at 9,minor delays unaccounted,it proceeded as planned as we heard the cries of what was to be from my sister.Through the nine hours that she was here,all she did was moan in pain with silence reserved for her breaths.

9 hours later,she passed away,after a quarter of a day of pain and suffering.

My family didn't let me know,I figured she was only sleeping(the stupid child that I was).

It was raining quite heavily that day.

What followed was a burial,in natural order,which I neither knew about nor attended.It all seemed like a cold goodbye to me.

Later,I got to know a little more behind it all.The incurable disorder Spina Bifida and the ignorant doctors,the nine hours of pain,everything.

Spina Bifida is a disorder affecting a child pre-birth,due to a deficiency of folic acid,it inhibits the growth of the vertebral column,thereby preventing numerous bodily functions to occur normally.It is almost always accompanied by an excess of cerebrospinal fluid,adding to the other complications that arise from this disorder.

Spina Bifida is usually diagnosed at the second month of pregnancy,much different from the eighth month detection we were given.We couldn't do much about it.

In simple terms,it is having an incomplete spinal column,leaving the child with an open,pulsating wound at birth,leaving the child in pain,hopelessly awaiting imminent death.

It all seems unfair that a person should die on the same day they were born.Unfair seems short of explaining what it is.Unfair that the little time they were here,they spent it in unimaginable pain.

Beyond unfair,that is what this is.Beyond unfair.

She Ceases To Care.They Cease To Care.Everybody Ceases To Care.

You know how people's feelings for you begin to fade away and you try to pick up the pieces and make it work and try and make an attempt but no one really cares.That is the truth about humans.stupid creatures.evolving all the time and then eventually they evolve enough to develop feelings(yay) and then they have the feelings taken away and then they're unhappy again.why?WHY GO THROUGH THE WHOLE HASSLE?

They dont know.We dont know.Nobody knows.Nobody reads this anyway.

Too much is happening again,school is going to start on monday,yay eh?

another year of academic torture awaits and I can't deal with that right now and oh yes,the fact that my sister's death anniversary and birthday is the day before school reopens really doesn't help my cause.I wish life would slow down.

I've realised something.Everyone that cares for you,says they like you are lying.They never can,no strings attached.

Im sick of it all.Everything.The world is stupid.Im stupid.We're all stupid in our stupid world.

Stupid,Stupid,Stupid.

"If I traded it all,If i gave it all away for one thing,just for one thing,
If I sorted it out,If I knew all about this one thing,
Wouldn't that be something?"

- One Thing - Finger Eleven.

Lyrics I like.

D'you know?
For you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry

- Yellow - Coldplay.

But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
When you only had barely enough to hang on.

- Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional.

And Everyone knows I'm in Over my head,
Over my head,
With eight seconds left in overtime,
She's on your mind,
She's on your mind,

- Over My Head - The Fray.

So close your eyes,
but don't dream too deep
And please pass me some memories
And when I fall you're underneath
A thousand broken hearts,carried by a thousand broken wings.

- Broken Wings - Flyleaf.

The miles are getting longer, it seems
,The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

- Home - Daughtry.

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea

But right now
Everything you want is wrong
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right nowI wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom,
Where no one lives.

- Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur.

Lest I Forget.

The rain from above is falling,
shattering the silence,
that persists beneath.
the resonance of the raindrops calling,
for you to walk beside me.

Now the raindrops cease to fall,
but I'll still stand here,
in silent wait,
because I'll like to hear your voice again
and I won't mind if you're late.

Walking away'd be easy,
movement a few strides away,
but I'd rather lie here waiting.
than let my feelings go astray,

I'll stand here waiting,
Waiting until forever,
and if you don't get here yet,
I won't lose my footing,
because my trust won't tell me otherwise.

The struggles,the path we chose,
might never be justified,
but it was satisfactory,
to have been through it all,
the love,the conversation,
the worry,the tension,
I'll always love you,
Did I forget to mention?

Quotes.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

- Franklin P. Jones.

Love is a friendship set to music.

- E. Joseph Cossman.

I'd like to run away From you, But if you didn't come And find me ... I would die.

- Shirley Bassey.

To love a person is to learn the song That is in their heart, And to sing it to them When they have forgotten.

- Anonymous.


True love doesn't have a happy ending,True love doesn't have an ending.

- Anonymous.

We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.

- Luciano de Crescenzo.

The Virginia Tech Massacre:The Result Of Constant Racial And Mental,Social Subjugation And Discrimination.

The Virginia Tech Massacre,perhaps one of the saddest tragedies of late.Bearing startling resemblance to it's predecessor of horror(The Columbine School Massacre),the shooting took place four days before the eighth anniversary of the aforementioned Columbine School Massacre,proved to be a bigger massacre involving more people dead,more families torn apart with grief.

Cho Seung-Hui(alternatively Seung-Hui Cho) was the perpetrator behind the disturbing killings of 32 human beings,injuring a few along the lines of the killings as well.His motives are still questionable,leaving behind macabre and gruesome pictures,notes and several minutes of video footage(that was packaged and sent to the New York branch of NBC news).

Why did he do it?
The question still lingers on our minds.

A brief synopsis of his childhood is as follows:

1.Cho immigrates to the Unites States with his parents and older sister at the age of 8.

2.Cho is thought to be cold,mentally ill and mute,even autistic by his great aunt,parents and other relatives,due to his shyness and reluctance to talk.

3.Cho studies at Poplar Tree Elementary School.He finishes the three year course in one and a half years.His childhood friend Kim Gyeong-won states that he was recognised by friends as a boy of knowledge ... a good dresser who was popular with the girls.She also says that she "only has good memories about him."

4.Cho attends secondary schools in Fairfax county.He is teased and picked on because of his shyness and unusual speech patterns.He rarely spoke,on one occasion,however,when a teacher threatened to give him a failing grade for not speaking,Cho was forced to read out loud in class and Cho began reading in a deep voice,resulting in mockery and teasing by his fellow classmates,some even going to the extent of telling him to "Go back to China".This was followed by more mockery and teasing as he progressed into high school.

5.Cho enrolls at Virginal Polytechnic Institute and State University as an undergraduate major in business information technology.He is noted to be introverted,having an imaginary girlfriend named "Jelly",obsessively downloading and listening to music and riding his bicycle in circles in the parking lot and writing macabre plays for his english assignments.These are only a few among other displays of his erratic behaviour.He goes on to shoot and kill 32 people,injuring several others in the process.

He was discriminated on the basis of his origin,his shyness,his peculiar voice,his vague mannerisms to name a few.

He was diagnosed with a mental disorder and as per Virginia law,he was ordered to be removed from campus for mental treatment and therapy,but this was not done.Instead,he was left the same,untreated after diagnosis.

The act of cold murder he committed was not called for and cannot be rationally explained and even though we swear and curse at him for this,the tiniest feeling of pity for him mingles with our hatred.

The Virginia Tech Massacre was not one of distant or random origin.It was an instance caused due to ignorance as well as the social mockery and discrimination of a child that felt out of place,that grew up to be a cold murderer.

How they changed and how they were better.

The title is rather vague but it's about music artists/bands that change dramatically from their debut songs and early albums,it's astonishingly annoying because they change according to what sells best,they become sellouts that don't make music for the love of it,instead,they make it for self-monetary benefit,playing music that their A&R reps and record companies want to sell and distribute to a massive crowd of airheads that wont appreciate music and the lyrical content in it but listen to it because it sounds like a catchy jingle or whatever...

I'm going to closely reference to Avril Lavigne's new album,The Best Damn Thing,I liked her first album and her sophomore album was even better and then this hideous parody of all that is normal comes up,it'n not that i hate it wholly,it's just the song"girlfriend" made me want to kill myself(several times) and keep holding on was quite good and not all of her songs on her debut album Let Go were depressing or sad,some of them were rather optimistic,but NO,she had to drastically change everything we(that is,the multitude of sane listeners) liked.By the way,she's married,isn't she?What do you think she's doing writing a song called "Girlfriend" whose chorus goes,and i quote "Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend No way, no way I think you need a new one Hey, hey, you, you I could be your girlfriend Hey, hey, you, you I know that you like me No way, no way No, it's not a secret Hey, hey, you, you I want to be your girlfriend"....now that's just plain wrong,isn't it?

She says it was her first record without an A&R rep co-writing,her songs contradict her about not being a sellout and her new song "Girlfriend" further betrays her true-to-self image.She is a sellout pop "princess" now,just when you thought there was a real songwriter/music artiste there,"Girlfriend" explodes onto your screen like a hideous pink bomb,the paris hilton meets tori amos thing isn't really working.Someone tell her that.

Now,onto people from bands that dont get along anymore,reulting in the bands being broken up.Last week I found out Evanescence(which is among my favourite bands of all time) had broken up..Amy Lee denies this and says the band will continue to make music and go on tour,she also says that her ex-bandmates were ready to "move" on.The same day(on a mere technicality,since it was after midnight),I found out that Seether's(another one of my favourites) lead guitarist had left the band.

So...this month has pretty much been bad for music altogether.
Pretty much.

Memories.The Past.The Present.The Yet To Come.

when you know they wont talk
when you know they wont bother
you lie awake in constant doubt
the violation
the incessant screaming,inside your head

the need to break the silence
finds you talking to yourself
even though there are people listening to you
there is no real perception
they just hear what you're saying
and act as if they care.

when you know you need a reason
and you find you have one too
the only thing that holds you back
is that they'll turn their backs on you
because no one can be civil to you
because no one can look at you without looking away
the light of the day to you seems hazy
empty,still and grey.

the childish empty memories of yesterday fade away
and a new day of anguish begins,the continuity of it all
yesterday,the silent void that never ends
is now filled again.

the vague image of your prior expectations
paints a canvas inside your mind
the only reason it isn't reality is because
before it could take form
the canvas that was about to be
was torn apart from the inside.

what would be is what would be
and can't be now
the hollow that grows inside of me
leaves the memories behind.